Hospitality, part 2

Would you believe, my last post was started because I got a hankering for a casserole? A delicious concoction from the church potlucks of my youth...a simply fantastical blend of creaminess, mixed veggies, water chestnuts, cheese, and french fried onions. MMMMmmmMMMMmm. I will be buying thingredients during tomorrow's shopping trip, as I am really hankering for some comfort food....

But I digress....

My last post, on the dearth of old-school church ladies. where they've gone, why, and lamenting the lack of older women who can train up we younger ladies who aspire to church lady greatness, all started for want of a recipe. A recipe, as I said above, that I loved to eat, at every church potluck it made an appearance. I couldn't find it. I looked online, I looked in the church cookbook I got as a wedding gift. I looked all over the place. I finally put out a plea for help, on a message board I belong to, which apparently is where all of the good casserole recipes have gone to 'hide', til a more interested generation rears its head. And there I was blessed to find it, in a couple of versions...

Regardless of why it was hiding there, I wanted to know why I never saw such things anymore. Once upon a time, a woman would have been ASHAMED to bring store bought food to a potluck. No woman worthy of the term lady, would have swung through KFC and picked up a bucket of chicken and proudly placed it on the table at church. I cannot think of a single one of the women I looked up to in my youth, who would have stooped to grabbing a tub of potato salad from the grocery store's deli department for a church social, dropping it on one of the tables covered in fabric tablecloths, and considering her contribution to the festivities "enough"....why is it, that now, we think we "don't have the time" or "can't be bothered" to actually provide something from our own kitchen? It certainly isn't less expensive, or better for us or the ones we love. And it isn't as if it must be cooked that morning, for the most part. Most things reheat quite well, actually, or stay nicely chilled, and can therefore be made ahead....

I think it goes back to the demands that serving another 'master' puts upon us. When we women are at home, we don't just cook, we prepare a meal. We master recipes, skills, and develop a repetoire of family favorites, that over time, become honed to the point where we could almost make them in our sleep (like my biscuits). We feed the souls as well as the bodies of our families...if we are not home, if our times to eat together as a family, are stressed, brief, rare, when do we take the time to really work on a recipe? When do we spend an afternoon, working on a meal that will really feed the eyes, the nose, the very hearts and souls, of our families--not just the bellies?

When women are not at home, they are not spending that time in the kitchen. They are not finding their way around pie pastry, or biscuits, or fried chicken...they are not putting themselves into their food. It is simpler to grab something at the store, and plop it onto plates directly from the plastic serving containers, missing a valuable opportunity to raise what is usually just an "eat and run" time, to something higher, something better...you lose that intangible 'something', that only time and patience will bring to the fore, when it comes to family meal-times...

So, now, we have generations of women who don't know how to cook, or do so poorly. Who regard being a good cook as something negligible, never realizing what it says about them and their view of womanhood. And they, honestly, seem to disdain the women who take the time to cook a meal well...instead of grabbing the ready made "convenience" foods or snagging something from the plethora of pre-packaged frozen foods.

I know, there are women who are not by nature great cooks. I'm not saying we all are gifted with great cooking skills by nature. Sometimes, it is something that must be practiced. And honestly, some times, it never comes, even with practice. I have one friend, who is not the best cook, in general. She can bake some wonderfulllll pies, though. Her husband, on the other hand, is a man who delights in good food. Fortunately, he enjoys cooking, and so she bakes the pies, and he cooks everything else...she, on the other hand, is far more suited to dismantling the engine of her motor bike, fixing the washing machine, and roller skating and skateboarding with her teenagers (and breaking bones in the process, but that is a whole 'nother story, lol). Regardless, their home is a welcoming place, for their grown children, their youngest child (a grade-schooler), and everyone in between. It is, despite its apparent irregularities, a *real* home. Not just a place to store one's things. Friends both far and near are welcomed there, and great thought is given to making the most of such occasions.

That all being said, in general, it *is* the woman of the house, who is the chief cook and bottle washer--and you know I mean that with no disrespect, for 'the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world'. Being the 'woman of the house' (ah, flashbacks to watching "The Quiet Man" :-) ), brings not only a certain amount of labor and duty, but also a great amount of privilege, more than any misguided misogynistic, so-called 'feminist' would believe. Look at a great many of the suffragettes--they didn't want all of the nonsense that the modern day feminists would have you think. Indeed, all they wanted, was the right to vote, and to be respected, and treated, as full citizens of this country. They had no interest in being pushed off of their pedestals, for who would want to go from being the much-beloved queen of an albeit tiny realm, to being a deposed monarch, forced from their kingdom, into an exile of who knows what duration?

Hospitality was once an art form. Look at old newspapers--they speak of a family in the local burg having guests from out of town, what was served, how long the guests stayed, etc. Even older newspapers, will speak of special local evenings, socials and the like, detailing the singing, and dancing, the clothes of some of the attendees, and so forth. Today, we regard get-togethers like that as 'old fashioned' and 'quaint', but far beneath what 'we' as a society are expected to provide our guests. Today we have people over to watch televised sports games, with little real interaction between any of the viewers, just between each individual viewer and the television announcer...I don't see how the television evening is a better occasion of hospitality at all, as a rule. Let's see...no one 'does' anything except put some appetizers on a plate, and then turn on an oversized television. Hm. As opposed to an event that was likely planned for a while, arranging for those coming to bring along a musical instrument, or memorize something to recite, etc....and of course, food must be prepared, the house thoroughly scrubbed...there is a place for musical evenings, or game nights, and television special events...but the key thing, is remembering that social evenings are meant to be social. Not to be 'a bunch of people sitting in a room staring at a screen'--I will go to the movies at the theater if I want to do that! No, being social is about so much more than simply being together...

But how does one quantify a truly social, successful occasion? If the food is good, but the company poor, or vice-versa, how does it rate? I'd suggest that better the food be poor than the company--food, in and of itself, can be done away with, but how is one to be politely sociable, much less, enjoy one's self, when surrounded by bores, poor conversationalists, and people one would generally rather not spend the time of day with? It certainly doesn't bode well for a succesful event! Perhaps, by making sure of a certain amount of personality, with a variety of interests, and yet some that intersect, would be a wise idea. Making certain to allow for a good range of ages and experiences, but also, being sure to invite those who will make the evening a positive one (and I believe we all understand that while there are some people who need help to become socially adept, there are some no matter of assistance will end up helping--invite the former, not the latter!). It can actually be an easy way to help the socially inept get a little practice in a smaller circle, where they may pick up skills and polish others, gaining experience and a bit of surety in themselves, as they go along.

Part of having a good time, is making sure that things are properly prepared for, in advance of the arrival of guests. Whether it be cleaning the home, or food preparation, getting some form of entertainment arranged for, be it music, or games, or simply conversation (so one would read up on news and interesting ideas that might be of interest to one's guests beforehand)--proper prior planning prevents pretty poor performance (a slight change from the 7Ps of my darling husband's Army days). In truth, I find it necessary to spread my preparations out over several days leading up to any planned for visitor or guest arriving, especially for something more involved than a simple meal and conversation. It has taken some time, but I think I've finally figured out why that works so well for my family...

One thing I have told my children, is that we clean and prepare our home for guests, to show our respect for them, and the fact that they are gracing our home with their presence. It doesn't matter whether this guest is visiting every other Monday night, or if they come once a year, we clean our home as thoroughly as possible, make sure that the tablecloth is particularly clean and neat, and try our best to put the family's best foot forward, as a united front. It does not matter whether the guest is a new neighbor, an old friend, or a close relative, the issue is respect. Certainly, preparations for one, may be different than for another, but nonetheless, preparing for their visit, is a more visible indication of love and respect than simply going on about every day life up til the minute they pull into the driveway. While we try to maintain a certain level of cleanliness and preparedness for guests who might unexpectedly appear at our doorstep, I also know that I prefer to make special touches before anyone arrives--even a fresh hand towel and a check on supplies in bathrooms makes me feel massively more at ease, than if someone just 'pops in' and I'm totally unprepared. I feel as if I am showing some minor level of disrespect, that my home is not better prepared for guests (with five children under the age of 10, I'm doing well to keep things as clean and tidy as I do, I believe. Anything beyond that, is 'gravy'!).

I suppose, in a sense, that that is something that gets overlooked. Hospitality as respect. Indeed, do we feel respected, when we are invited to someone's home, and show up to find that their home is messy, dirty, and there isn't anything to eat or drink? Do we feel as if they want us there? Do we feel truly welcomed, or as if our presence is a burden and an afterthought?

I am not suggesting that we pull out the best silver and china for every guest who walks in the door, every time. Indeed, using one's grandmother's antique Limoges might be a bad idea for a barbeque for Independence Day, or for a raucous party for the adolescents in one's circle. But there are steps one can take, to make one's guests feel at home, and welcomed, and yes, respected, when they come over for an afternoon, evening, or even longer visit in your home...

It seems, however, that we see hospitality at one extreme or the other--beef tenderloin and heirloom china, or television and some chips and dip. While both certainly have their place, there is a middle ground, which we can all aspire to...and it isn't that hard...

But how do we learn? We all weren't blessed to have mothers who trained us well, unfortunately, as the case may be. Indeed, some women are working with a severe handicap, in that their efforts towards the traditionally feminine skills of hospitality, and domestic endeavors, have been denounced, derided, and denigrated (got to love those negative D words). Sometimes by their mothers and fathers. Sometimes by their spouses. Sometimes, by their friends or the public at large.

Indeed, when I was in high school, and I informed my Advanced Placement US History teacher, that I "wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be", over and beyond any 'career' outside of the home..I was laughed at, quite derisively, and informed that that would not be enough for a mind like mine. Sadly, she is the mother of two. I wonder what perspective her grown children have now, and whether they share their mother's thoughts on the subject, as they are married and have children of their own. At the time, I was not as sure of myself, and my dreams and goals for my life, as I am now. And being raised to be polite, I was not going to argue with my teacher (whom I very much liked and enjoyed learning from). But this was in 1990-91, and I assure you, it has not gotten any better, anywhere over the years, except that now, one can find moral support online. While I am better able, by far, to voice my opinions and beliefs, I find few to hear them (mostly because I am at home 95% of the time, which is as it should be). Of course, the flip side of that, is that I have to argue the point less, because there are fewer people arguing against me--at least, in person.

But it also makes finding someone to instruct you on how to become one of those venerable "church ladies", HARD, let me tell you. They are simply not out there. Or if they are, they are doing one of two things--hiding, or being terribly over-worked because they have been found out. It used to be, each church had a number of these sorts of women. Most--if not all--of the women were at home, and could be counted on to help split the work load. Now, there are so few, even amongst the older set. Some even admit that they want no part of it, for all that they are retired and at home most of the time. They "have better ways to spend their time". I would argue that point, obviously. But they hang up, before you can get the chance to do so!

Admittedly, I am in no position right now, to become *the* church lady for my parish. Far from it--this is that season in life where my skills need to be more focused on home and hearth. With five small children, God willing more to come, my time away from home is...infrequent. Yes, I could take the children and visit shut ins, or a nursing home, and it is something I have considered for when my twins are a bit older (twin two year old boys being something of a challenge in even the most amenable of surroundings, I am reluctant to start taking them places where control of the enviroment is a toss-up). But this is a time for me to be an understudy of sorts, in an apprenticeship. It is a season for being taken 'under the wing' of an older woman well-studied in the ways and means of our local parish, and given time to grow into the role of "Church Lady". But instead it appears that there are no wings to take shelter under, and indeed, it seems as if I will be thrust from the nest before fully fledged, and forced to fly or fall.

And so, since I cannot find someone to teach me, I must learn on my own, as must so many in today's world. The question remains, how do I learn it? Where do I get these skills, that I would love to learn? Some things must, in truth, be learned hands-on, in the trenches, but sometimes, one can "scale down", and learn something incrementally...gradually working up to tackling the entire project. I read the blogs, I get recipes, and I invite people over. They all seem to have a nice time, I've never had people refuse to come back (especially if I lure them over with my cream cheese pound cake!). But I want to learn MORE. I want to grow into that Church Lady role, gently, and not with force and violence, as being tossed out onto the wind seems to be...

Where do you find your knowledge? In old books of generations gone by? So much of what they expected a young woman to know back then, is simply novel and uncharted territory for women of all ages now. I've found that to be a draw back, in that method. In general, with the potential information available online now, I've found the internet to be a decent resource. But it does not take the place of having an older, work-worn hand to guide you...

Have any of you been blessed to be taught by one of those venerable women? Are any of *you* the "Church Lady" of your congregation? Have you ever been? Wanted to be? Felt like trying, but were concerned you would fall short for one reason or another? I know how you feel, believe me. I think, however, I am going to simply start a campaign...maybe more like guerilla warfare...no...a 'top secret' intelligence gathering mission, a la the Cold War....sneak and peak in 'enemy territory'....go where they don't want me to go, and see what they don't want me to see. Hunt out the Church Ladies of old, and see what secrets they can teach me. It is going to be interesting, seeing as how we have one car, live a goodly distance from town, and are new around here. But I *want* to find this elusive matriarch of the church committees. And so, I think I shall set out...make a mission, to try, in 2010, to find one of these women...and see if I can get her to impart her knowledge to me...

Wish me luck, I think I'll need it!