A ramble on hospitality, Church Ladies, and feminist claptrap

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I still await the "Table of Doom", as I refer to it. El Husbando has been gifted with the boards he needs to make our family the most enormous, substantial, "family sized" table one can imagine (okay. Maybe the Duggars can imagine a bigger one, :-) ). Sixty to eighty year old heart of pine boards--once floor boards in a WWII era warehouse on a military post. Most of them are well over twelve feet long, and will make for a beautiful, long!, and wide (oh joy of joys!) table for our family. God willing, it will also have the worlds thickest table legs (I want the "thunder thighs" models, tyvm!). Solid and super thick, so that no ambitious 9 yr old boy is going to be able to kick the leg out from under the table when a large roast (or lasagna) is sitting on the table waiting to be consumed...yes, I have heard of this happening...and I don't want it to happen here (ever, would be preferred, but certainly not until after we replace the flooring in the dining room!).

But one thing this table will mean, is that we will have a greater capability for inviting guests over. Now, we barely have room round the table for the seven of us. It is a tight fit, to be sure. And that is with the extension. But hospitality is something we weren't overly able to extend before our move to the wild West, and so now we are trying to make a greater effort to do so....it may not be fancy, but there will be food, and fellowship, aplenty, to offer.

That brings to mind something that has been on my mind lately....

Where did the church ladies go? You know the ones I mean. The ones who always answered the "casserole call" (fortunately, they were usually the best ones at making the casseroles, too). The ones who chaired the Meals Committee--for after deaths in the family, or after a new baby was welcomed...they were the ones who decided which letters of the alphabet would bring which dish type for the church socials...you know--A-F brings a main course, G-L brings a side, and M-Z brings a dessert. LOL. They frequently had a smile, and a welcoming spirit for the new members of the congregation. They'd know all the little children in the church, and frequently were one of the first outside of the family to see wee babies newly home from the hospital...when they stopped to deliver the casseroles for the freezer, you know ;-).

Where have they gone? These elusive women...whose club I desperately wanted to join, as a girl growing up. I wanted to be Mrs P, or Mrs C, or Mrs S. Actually, they were more correctly known by Mrs Wallace P or Mrs Robert C or Mrs William S. Yes, they went by their husbands names in most things--oh, one-on-one, they were Sue and Jean and Mary. But they were the kind of women I wanted to be when I grew up. With normal, happy, grown children, having families of their own, a husband who loved me, and the desire/ability to extend hospitality to others in the church and the community. I wouldn't mind being known as Mrs El Husbando's First/Last Name. I rather like it...those who know me well enough, would get the (privilege?) of calling me by my first name...a formality I know that has been long discarded, but I miss it, I'll admit...

Where are these women? Are there any left? Is there anyone taking their place? Having left the church of my childhood, and reconciling myself to the Catholic Church, it seems odd to me--I don't see those women, anywhere, anymore. Unfortunately, I am in a season of my own life where hospitality will mostly have to take place here in my home. I am simply not able to stretch myself, and my family, to something larger than ourselves, right now. But I wonder, how will I learn what I need to know from these women, if there are none left? Who will tell me where they hid the doggone platters after the last church social? Who gives the parish the best price on large quantities of things, when it comes time for the big fund-raisers?

I so wanted to be one of "them", that I am the proud owner of not one...not two...but THREE punchbowls. Yes, ladies. THREE. Two of them, complete with cups (which I buy more of when I find them in the thrift stores, lol). One of those, even has the matching 'stand' which lifts it up off of the table top...I lucked into that set for $5!!! I couldn't believe it myself, and could scarcely stop myself from doing the happy dance all the way back to the van! :-) I have an entire cabinet full of platters of various sizes. Nothing makes me quite as happy, as a huge table laden down with food, a house full of people, and many of my platters and serving pieces being used. I even got my wedding dinnerware in white, so I could mix and match various dishes, all in white, or use the white to 'play off' when having large numbers of company in...

I would *love* to find one of those fabled "church ladies"...who not only knows how to set up a good potluck, but also knows how to do all of those lovely crafty things I yearn to learn how to do--but don't have anyone who can teach me, in person (a you-tube tutorial only goes so far, you know). A woman who has the patience to put up with me and my brood of sometimes unruly children, and the wisdom to see how she can help...either with advice born of years of experience, or simply grabbing a two year old and reading him a story...Someone, who could fill the gap left by one grandmother being far away (we're in Oklahoma, and my parents are in Georgia), and the other grandmother being dead for more than 25 years now...

Where are these women, these models of Christian hospitality? Where are the Titus 2 women, the older generation helping train the younger? It is frustrating for me--and for others, I know, when we look to our mother's generation, and realize that not only are they not there, but that if they were, they either wouldn't have the skills, or they would denigrate our desire to learn them...

I've had women my mother's age comment negatively on my decisions to dress in a more feminine, modest fashion, and to veil myself when in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament (or when receiving sacraments at all). I have my decision to marry young and leave college unfinished denigrated, El Husbando's and my decision to leave ourselves open to the unqualified blessing of children, spat upon as if we were stupid fools to even think about such a thing...and to think of educating our children, not just in our day-to-day life's activities, but to actually teach them math, and how to read, and write...well, that's just unheard of--ridiculous! And when I dare to suggest that parents are (as scripture tells us, and the Church backs up) the primary educators of their children, in *all* things, especially matters of faith and morals, well, that really gets the hackles up...

It is heartbreaking to realize that *these* are the women who we are supposed to turn to train my generation in how to be a Proverbs 31 woman...that *these* women are the ones who are supposed to be the women Titus 2 speaks of. And yet...what do we have?

This is not a Catholic phenomenon, by any means. Look around your local Baptist, Lutheran, Wesleyan, Methodist, Presbyterian, or Non-Denominational congregation on a Sunday morning...I daresay, if we did a poll, many or most of them would agree with the more negative stances I mentioned above....

Why is this? I suspect that there are a few reasons, overall. The somewhat "calculated" drive to get women out of the home, denigrate those who stay there, and push the "you *must* have two incomes to survive, much less prosper these days" line of thought...the women's movements have also made some serious problems for more traditional womanhood. The "you can have it all" mindset has done incalculable damage to the status of the woman as manager, guard, and director of her home....

Once a queen of her own small realm, now many women are merely a drudge, a serf, a slave of her own making...following after the endless, unending siren call of the latest and greatest gizmo or gadget...the latest "must have" fad of the year or season. Listening to the comments of the crowds, falling for the lines, and leaving her home, her family, behind....

Now, while I understand that there will be times, and situations, where a given woman MUST simply work or starve...they are far fewer and farther between than many of us think. Most, if not all, people *can* live on one income. If enough people stepped off the merry-go-round that is our consumerist, materialistic society, we could rock this boat. If the women said "no more!"...if the husbands and fathers said "Come home! We need you here!"...if the women left their jobs...and made their way back down the paths to their homes...if they learned to embrace the foreign-ness of the life of the SAHW/M...there would be more demand for our men in the workplace. There would be more need for the qualified man, and it would lead to greater pay. If people simply stopped buying over-priced, and soon out-of-style items, and stuck with what they had for a season or three, then the stores would have to lower their prices...markets would shift...

It would be earth-shattering. It would be life-changing. It would tilt the economies of the nations back to the place they need to be--something more sustainable, something less transitory...something built on a solid, sturdy foundation. Instead of building on a mandatory two-income family, build on a single wage earner. Maybe by changing our own mind-sets. Maybe by shifting our own world views back to a simpler time...when families either worked side by side, or father might have to leave the home during the day for work, but came home at night, to a warm fireside, a clean family gathered round him, grateful for his labors, and glad to have him home once more...

It isn't easy, by any means. But without bringing the women home, there won't be any more church ladies. Without cutting our debt loads, without denying ourselves some of the "luxuries" of life, without changing ourselves, first, we cannot change the culture. Think of what you can do, instead of what you canNOT do, since you are a SAHW/M.

Can you sew? Can you knit? Can you cook a mean pie? Do you sing? Do you play a musical instrument? Are you just a nice person to be around (okay, that one is subjective, lol)? Those are gifts, that can be used not only as a hobby for your own personal enjoyment...but can be shared with others. Sew up baby blankets for a basket to go to new mothers. Knit blankets for wounded soldiers, for children removed from their homes (Project Linus), for the mothers sheltering at the unwed mother's homes...for the crisis pregnancy centers...for the elderly shut-ins...

Cook up one of those pies, and take it to a neighbor, a church member, or just put it into the freezer until you can talk to your pastor/minister/priest about which congregant shut-in needs a visitor. And visit! Take the pie then. Share it.

If you sing, share it...If you play a musical instrument, and have one at home you can play, maybe consider a musical evening, and invite those you know are likewise inclined, as well as a few who may not be as talented, but make up for it by dint of their personalities...and maybe they'll bring a pie or two to share...

Hospitality doesn't have to be difficult, but if one can practice on a small scale, perhaps we can revive the ancient, honorable, position of "Church Lady". Perhaps we can be a modern day Dorcas. Perhaps Tabitha, Priscilla, and the other venerable sisters in Christ have more to offer us than merely being more biblical names to use for our baby girls. See them as an example. Open your homes, even if only a small scale, to friends and family. Especially for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere (Hi Therese, down there in your Aussie Coffee Shop!), this is a time of social gatherings, warm fires, cider, and 'dessert evenings'. Maybe plan a social evening that is something new. Invite some people you don't normally have over. Something different...maybe have everyone bring a different board game, and play them. Maybe have another couple or two over, and play bridge, or gin rummy, or *something*. Every couple bring a dish, and potluck dinner, and have a nice, family oriented evening...

Hospitality doesn't have to wait til Christmas. It doesn't depend on the ball schedule. It doesn't depend on tax season, or summer vacation, or fall/spring break. It just depends on each of us, welcoming someone into our home. Reaching out, and saying "Welcome, why don't you stop and stay for a while...warm yourself by the fire, and here, have a cup of cider/tea/coffee/water". It doesn't have to be fancy, or expensive, or difficult. But you just have to do it.

Or it will never happen. The shut in won't have a visitor...the wounded won't have their blankets. You won't get to know that really great couple in the pew across the way, and won't be there, when they need that serious prayer support--because you won't know they need it, and they'll be too hesitant to ask. The college student will spend their time in the dorms, or the bars, without a better alternative, when they are far from home.

We don't build a community, by staying at home, locked behind closed doors. We don't start knitting a 'safety net', however small, by staying cocooned in our little nests.

Don't be an island. Be a part of that net. Become a part of your community. Reach out, and find one person...one couple...one family. And start knitting that net. Start building--or rebuilding--your community.

Do it today. Start thinking about what you can do, this week, this month, the rest of this year...and do it. Make it happen.

Because change has to start somewhere. And it may as well start with us....